Over the summer we have been facilitating a profound transmission as a herd. Giving the horses back their power has been an unfolding energetic process. First recognising the human projection that has arisen as a result of the control paradigm we exercise over our equine dependents. Then after the projection was resolved, the horses’ power could arise again within them and finally be given back.
Every time I am able to engage with the depths of our relationship together here, as Herd, at this time on this planet, something powerful arises. It is not always possible to do this. Most times something is already in process, or I am not centred or ready or open enough. And I don’t even know for sure if it blocks for any of those reasons. Maybe the Source comes to us and finds us whatever state we are in. It just has to be the right moment for the whole. This time what was happening only became clear after many stages. And it started with the idea of the mother and the child.
I Am Your Mother, I Am Your Child
One day it came into my mind to practice this meditation when I was with the horses. Especially directly with Quaramba.
I have realised that she is the embodiment of the unbroken spirit within our herd. Her trust is still whole because she wasn’t subjected to the control paradigm in terms of training.
So often she will be the mouth, or the doorway of our energetic process. There is no judgement or sadness around this for us anymore, we accept it as it is. She has also experienced less of our world, so maybe that is the balance.
When I practiced “I am your mother” it felt comfortable in the sense of familiarity. We were used to this direction in the responsibility, as well as the offering of love. “I am your child’ was different. Quaramba seemed restless, and I could feel the root of the restlessness was in me. There was a challenge to be vulnerable, to trust, that was always resurfacing between us in so many ways. One morning early on I had a waking dream. The experience was so vivid, and felt so real.
My Waking Dream
In the dream I was being carried by Snow Flake, one of our beautiful cats. I remember how it felt to be her kitten in the dream, she was so careful.
She was taking me upstairs in a house, and when she came to a doorway, she would make sure to swing me across so I didn’t hit the door frame. I was aware of a connection with her where I could directly know her thoughts and feel her love.
She jumped on to a bed and then somehow I was on her back. She was weaving an energetic spell where she secured me on to her, and then we were outside and she was running and jumping over the countryside. Maybe she had become Quaramba at this point, and she began to go faster and she took on higher and higher jumps until I began to feel overwhelmed. The sense of being out of balance, and the G force was rising way too fast. As soon as I felt that I wanted to slow her down, my body became a handbrake, and I resisted her movement. The very next stride I was hurled off her back into the edge of the pathway. There was a clear sense that I no longer belonged there, that I couldn’t be there if I was resisting her movement.
Seeing the Overlay with Totti
There was a sense of our journey being on a plateau with the herd, and yet whenever I was able to go deeper, I was reminded of ‘I am your child’ and that I had not yet become it. One morning I was with Totti alone in the barn. She has a tendency to sweet itch, and she will often come inside early or late in the day. We have some lovely being times together. Totti is the embodiment of independence in our herd. Although she has become deeply integrated over time with the other horses, she has an ability to know herself as an individual in a way that seems un-horse like.
As we were meditating together I could see that the relationship is all that there is, and that it is expressed in everything we do. And that expressing it in merging together in riding is a potential we have. But it can only express the unconditional love of the relationship without the overlay of power, control and expectations. I could see this overlay as an energetic weave, like a dark straining bond that affects the relationship. Now I could understand Snow’s message, which was really the message of the whole herd. She was showing me how to bring the innocence, the vulnerability, the trust and the acceptance of “I am your child” into the riding experience.
I understood that it is a practice, a becoming that will happen with faith, over time. It has to be attended to, it is a devotion. And then I could feeling how it was healing all that was unbalanced in Totti.
She was experiencing a profound processing of the shift in me. And yet it is still so new and unformed, and embracing it fully is a vast step. I knew that only then are we ready to ride and I can learn.
Children Together with Quaramba
The next time I practiced “I am Your Child’ with Quaramba I had such a beautiful sense of both of us standing on a high ledge, looking out over the world, and she said to me “I am also a child”. And then I understood… we are all children together. It was a moment of such truth and intimacy, and I see now, how deeply it resonates with A Course In Miracles, the passage containing the words “You did not create Yourself”.
How wonderful to share this realisation with such a magnificent horse being.
The power of this moment unfolded another layer of seeing when I was listening to Sabina’s Awakening Transmission with the herd and I suddenly understood how we have projected our own oppression, our own lack of faith on to the animals we have needed so desperately to control. It was a sudden, relatively fleeting moment of comprehension, and once we shared the grief of it together, it was emptied out and gone. Although it was fleeting, it was important to take accountability for our own self limiting beliefs. To take them back and liberate the horses.
The Root of Fear with Quaramba
And realising all over again that all fear is from being unable to be fully present. That being present is to connect to all knowledge and flow with what is unfolding without question. I had a sense of the limitless of that with Quaramba then, and she released a lot of tension and went away to graze.
In the days after this I was aware of a sense of not being whole. The same oppression and anxiety I had just taken responsibility for. At one point I was wondering if Quaramba was asking me to go out with her (on her back) and feeling into the inertia and apathy that arose in me from that. All I could feel was a sense that part of me has been asleep for a long time, and yet it is starting to wake up. I asked her to show me how to be, and she came up to the edge of the barn, but it felt a little demanding in a subtle way.
After I got on her she turned her head round two times and nibbled my foot in a kind of humorous, “wake up!” kind of way, and I realised she was saying you can’t force it. Her expression in that moment was so like a dolphin. I slid off her and felt the relief of just being able to be with the process and not trying to make things right. I felt the depth of exhaustion from not being awake, and listened to that. The inner process is so subtle and yet so clear and it is the only path that feels right. I need to allow the waking up to happen in its own time.
The Layer of Love with Honey
I had been discovering a new way of healing that I called the miracle sessions, with rainbow light. This morning after a beautiful session I was outside early with the herd. I saw again that the riding part of it is no different than any interaction. It is a way, a dimension, a state that we can be in with each other. An intimacy in the healed perception. So I felt that touching my physical self to the horses when grooming and being with them is no different from touching my energetic self. It is a layer of love, and when I am that, I can feel them.
One day Honey was whickering at me to get on her back.. I think she might confuse me with a stallion sometimes, but nevertheless it was a beautiful opportunity to practice being the layer of love on her back.
It took a while to come through for me, but when it did she was so sure and solid and blended into one soft anchored mass of love and gentleness. I understood that this is the same practice as feeling their authentic self.
In other words the opposite of projecting my oppression. It is true seeing of who they are, and it happens through being who I truly am.
The Rising of the Self of the Horse
Suddenly out of the blue one day I could feel how it will be to be truly connected on the back of a horse. An almost hard yet delicious energy of compression holding me on as we gallop and spin and leap in one being. Some days later the understanding came that this energy is the liberated horse energy coming through to meet the human. To hold them and support them as they trust fully, without defence. So that they can feel the power of the horse without fear. This needs to be a shift in our perception of the horses’ power. We see power as predatory, yet in truth it is unconditional love.
The next stage of being able to accept the power of the horses was to be absolved of all of the physical trauma that oppressed horse power had caused.
Quaramba and Rafi took responsibility for this healing. They held me gently between their bodies until it was done. Every time I was hurt falling off a horse, crushed by them, kicked by them or bitten. Every energetic trace of trauma and fear that was held needed to be released in those moments before authentic horse power could be liberated.
I knew it was complete when I felt to press into Quaramba and absorb the power from her. It was very tiring after a minute because it was so rich and vast.
It’s Not Such A Big Deal!
I was about to do a Shamanic Ceremony with my friend Beth to bring awareness to my new Etsy shop and I was inviting the horses to be there. As I did this, Quaramba lined herself up in the barn. I took this to mean she wished to connect in some deeper way, and I got on her. When I got on however, she turned and nipped my foot. She has a particularly slow purposeful way she does this, as if she was talking to a slow learner. I realised then that she had actually been asking for more grapes.. we had received several sacks of grapes from a neighbour and the horses – particularly her – loved eating them.
I felt a bit sad about this, and that maybe she won’t ever want for us to do this. But I think the lesson was that maybe it’s not such a big deal for her. Right now she just wants grapes. It doesn’t mean she will never want us to merge together in riding.
And she hadn’t moved away, or signalled to me not to get on her, which tells me she trusts me. And now she has a very clear way to communicate so I’ll always know. It is possible to get a bit too serious about things, and too worried that wires will be crossed and damage done!
Giving The Horses Back Their Power
The Shamanic Ceremony initiated a powerful purging of my early life conditioning. That had left me with a sense of being invisible, of not being seen for who I am. This makes sense because I find being misunderstood by people who are close to me very triggering. After I recovered from this detoxing, and was in a clearer place, I received a message that my purpose here is to be love, to bring love, to share love and offer love in every situation I am in. To foster contentment with what we are and have now, as a herd. To accept that it is always enough.
This then allowed the final part of giving back power to the horses. I started one day just practicing with Rafi. It was an incredibly delicate, lucid energetic process. It was something I was able to allow to happen through me, so I knew naturally how to offer it. When he accepted the power, it became him in a passive way. It added to him in an action-less way. And yet there was a certain diffidence, a caution from a sense of the latent power of this transaction that we can only make tiny steps. Because each small step changes the fabric of who we are.
“The herd was ready today for the power transfer.. and so was I… maybe Rafi had prepared them. There was a sense of the diffidence turning into presence and curiosity.. almost like they were beginning to believe it truly could be happening. And so much did happen, and yet it didn’t bubble up into words I can remember. “