The Portal of Grace is a space we can open between us, humans and herds, and beautiful gifts flow through.
The external uncertainty of this process we are in as a herd is a constant reminder to trust my inner guidance. Every time I look outside for results that can reassure, or ideas that can provide resolution, I don’t really find much! Except of course for the clear love and glowing happiness in the horses to tell me nothing is missing.
One time when I was with the horses, I felt the imbalance of me perceiving myself as in front of the herd, trying to be the responsible party, to assume leadership. There was a clear energetic process as I felt my Self that was sticking out in front melting and dissolving. Then there was a sense of us all aligning into the frontier that is moving forward. We are all moving forward as one, bringing this in.
Releasing The Protection
Later on I decided to explore the Wild Ride idea that came out of my dream. After I had the dream about being able to sit on Jasmine and feel part of her, even when she plunged and bucked and galloped. It felt so inclusive and so wonderful. So a session with the herd like this is an exploration, encouraging vibrational ideas to come closer to manifesting in the physical world. This day I was with the herd and I thought about wild riding, and felt the pattern of it, a little like bringing it up on our herd inner vision screen. It wasn’t a long session:
Releasing the protective layer is another step forward in our boundary merging process. Looking back now it seems that the protection was in me, and being mirrored by the horses. This has been the greatest step so far for me, to reprogram completely the instinct to control the situation. And this is especially relevant when I get on to a horse’s back. Deciding to move forward without equipment or containment of our space (other than the herd territory itself) has been a key element. I knew that if I didn’t take away all means of control completely, I would not be able to grow out of needing to!
The Energetic Dialogue Is The Path
This latest month has seen a quantum leap in the way I actually feel in this control-free situation. And it has been another reminder that I don’t need to try and change things in the moment i.e when I am on the horse. The change happens within my energetic vibration.
Visiting the energetic situation in dialogue with the herd allowed a shift that I experienced straight away the next time I was invited to ride. The energetic dialogue is the journey in fact.
Returning there is returning to the path, and the action unfolds easily as a result. Maybe not that moment or even that week, it arrives like an eclipse of the planets, at the perfect moment.
I still have to keep reminding myself of that however, you don’t need to seek the action, just keep going back to the dialogue! Focusing on the action is the wrong end of the stick.. it just happens by itself. It is the ripple. The dialogue is the stone hitting the water.
Transforming the Anxiety
The next step in this dialogue was to bring the anxiety about being out of control… the feeling of it, the energetic pattern of it, into the whirlpool pattern we have been growing for a while now. When I did that, just by tuning in to both, connecting with the anxiety and bringing it into the energetic field of the whirlpool, I felt the integration happening. And then there was a moment of grace. That is the only way I can describe it.
And I was sinking into Quaramba, no longer able to even feel ‘on top’ or unstable. I was inside her. And she started to deep breathe as she sometimes does in these meditations. (This is the video clip I put along with the protection recording above, as I didn’t have the video of that). It happened on the same day, just after we released the protection around the wild dance.
I have been doing Tony Robbin’s Priming exercise every morning, and it was during this one day that I realised I could fully believe that Quaramba and me would experience engagement together. That we can do all of the joyous movements a horse can do in our new way. I have been constantly letting go of the ‘how’ and this is the key. It will very likely not manifest in a way that I know about or understand yet, but that doesn’t mean it can’t manifest at all. In terms of the energetic effort and journey it does feel significant! there is a lot to ‘do’ energetically to bring this about. I feel it’s size through my energetic awareness not my intellectual mind.
The Portal of Grace
For several weeks I wasn’t feeling able to reconnect. Our vibrations just didn’t align, I was being a human and the herd were being horses! Then one day everything clicked in and Quaramba came to pick me up at the concrete ledge. At the time I felt it came about through the vibrational portal of generosity. Generosity in myself, a desire to give. Quaramba felt so embracing, and it was the first time that I felt no need to figure anything out after I got on her. I wasn’t searching for ‘what now’ or even tuning in to being One. There was a simplicity, a grace, that I realised had completely replaced my anxiety about control.
When she decided to walk out into the field, it was so beautiful and graceful and I was amazed how my fear was gone. There was such a strong sense of being part of her, of her being a mother ship, and I was within her, enveloped, safe. Even when there were noises and walkers going along the trail, she turned to watch them, and there was no tension. After a while there was a warm feeling of bliss starting in my tummy and rising up, it just felt amazing.
When I got off and was thanking her, she looked so benevolent and beautiful, and I said to her think of all the amazing things we will do together and she pressed her muzzle against my face for ages.. pressing and holding in an unprecedented way! I haven’t experienced a gesture quite so heartfelt and prolonged from a horse before. It was so direct and so loving. She was saying Yes, Yes! We will. It is all possible through our portal of grace.
Training My Resistance
The next day I was sitting on the concrete ramp, and Quaramba came up on to it herself. I was grooming her and then I became aware of some resistance inside me about her being there. Of wanting to control her. To stop her being at the edge because it felt a little unsafe, and also perhaps because she was not in the right place for me to be invited on her.
It felt very important to acknowledge this resistance and to breathe it out without judgment. Then I had such a strong knowing that she is training me to let go of every resistance. She is such a wise being in her temporary horse body! After my resistance was gone, she gently moved away from the edge.
Receiving the New
Over the next while I had one lovely experience of feeling Quaramba’s sides (not physically, but in my energetic awareness) and how magnetic and soft and sticky they were. That magical feeling when a horse sucks your legs into their sides like marshmallow. So far from the wooden, heavy or tight feeling there can be.
The next time we connected I had been feeling a jangling in the alignment, rather than the parallel feeling when things are processing. When I engaged with it, there was a clear vibrational pattern of trauma. I felt it in me, but perhaps I was mirroring the herd. It seemed to be surfacing in a detoxing way and sourced back to times of not listening to the horses and pushing through boundaries. It was almost like shedding a layer we didn’t need anymore.
One day following this, I was joining the herd in communal deep rest. There was a beautiful feeling of birth, of something entirely new being allowed to germinate and grow. When I tuned in to Quaramba I felt a sense of being infused into her, like drowning in her, without fear. It felt so intense, and I was reminded again that new dynamics are possible and they will manifest, given space and energy.